Famous Writer Briefly Tried To Defend Critics

An unfinished manuscript by the great feminist writer Mary Wollstonecraft has been discovered in a flat in Paris. The manuscript was going to be called “A Vindication of the Rights of Critics” but it appears she wrote only one chapter before abandoning the project.

Literary historian John Man has been studying the manuscript in detail. “It is very exciting, but unfortunately we know for certain that she did not write any more chapters,” he said. “In mid-sentence on the last remaining page she angrily scribbled ‘no one will ever go along with this!’ before stuffing it under some furniture.”

The manuscript has come to light at a tough time for critics. The opera world is only now recovering from an international scandal involving a production of Der Rosenkavalier at Glyndebourne, after which a handful of critics are reported to have done their jobs. “I just didn’t expect them to write their opinions,” said one angry audience member. “A critic’s column is no place for personal bias and superficial evaluations made on the spur of the moment. I go to the opera so that I can do that.”

Famous critic Norbert Labile, who first broke the story about these professional critics, is reportedly delighted that Wollstonecraft’s manuscript has been found. “It comes tantalisingly close to filling a gap in the literature,” he said. “I once tried to study the golden age of criticism in order to emulate some of the great masters, but I quickly realised there never was a golden age of criticism. So instead I  started slinging mud at everyone to drum up some publicity. That has worked out great for me.”

So far there are no theories as to how the manuscript ended up in Paris. John Man is eager to solve this mystery, and he is already working on a book about whether the current owner of the flat is secretly bisexual. “I really feel that my speculations might contribute to our knowledge of the situation in the way that facts normally do, and hopefully I may be able to shed light on something important eventually.”

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