Sportsman Assaults Innocent Victim Again


In a recent Quidditch World Cup match the Liverpudlian John Man was so keen to celebrate his virility by doing whatever he wanted that he compulsively bit into another player, drawing blood.

Commentators were shocked, but mostly empathetic. “Boys will be boys, you know,” said this guy I met. “We just wish he had waited until there were no cameras around so that the burden of proof rested on the victim. As it is, a perfectly good career of ball-hitting is going to be impeded just because of a little casual play.”

Man appears to have taken inspiration from the famous Australian ball-thrower John Hopoate. In 2001 Hopoate noticed that his finger was within range of another player’s rectal cavity and promptly took action, realising that this was a winning combination of body parts that couldn’t possibly go wrong. Though roundly condemned by most people, Hopoate received a lot of high-profile support. Shortly after the incident he was invited to Roman Polanski’s house for dinner, where Polanski is believed to have explained how wrong it was to do that sort of thing in public.

Or perhaps he was modelling his inscrutable madness on the ball-toucher Joel Monaghan, who in 2010 famously performed a sexual act on a dog during “mad monday,” a day renowned for its high level of madness. He was vigorously chastised for the action and has since undergone counselling, hopefully learning his lesson never to take easily shared photographs of his stupid actions again.

Though it is not uncommon for talented athletes to go a bit wild off the field all in the name of fun, it is rare for their victims to be important enough that everyone listens to them. In most cases the only victim would typically be a dog or a woman, neither of whom have much representation in the sporting world and can never say a truth loud enough to threaten a man’s sporting career. However it seems in this case Man, like Hopoate, took it one step too far by hurting another man. “He clearly didn’t consider his victim’s feelings,” said one commentator. “That other guy is going to take a long time to recover from this. Men have to learn that their actions can irrevocably shatter lives.”

Many fans, well-connected vested interests and compromised courts of law have spoken out against Man’s perfectly justifiable ban for reasons they haven’t really thought through in any detail. One fan has taken action, forming a Facebook page called “What did you expect from FIFA?” We can reprint his statement here, because quoting people’s Facebook posts now counts as journalism: “A rich successful male athlete will always express their rippling masculinity in harmless, tempered ways, like Tiger Woods did. Any claim made about so called ‘moral transgressions’ is just a fundamental misunderstanding of this basic truth. If somebody limits an athlete’s behaviour I might be left without a role model. What would I do then?”

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