Rolf Harris Made Audiences Listen To His “Music”

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The reputation of famous person Rolf Harris has been shattered after it was revealed that for many years he masqueraded as some type of “artist” and “musician.” Thankfully, this horrible injustice has now come to an end and it is time for the arduous process of healing to begin for his many victims.

Harris is an Australian celebrity who had a jocular personality and endearing all-round hokiness. He capitalised on this and became very famous as a “singer” by making noise with his mouth and planks. There was apparently a market for this sort flabby gibberish because England fell in love with him, with Australians latching on to his fame until Kylie Minogue could exist. Only then did some begin to question whether he truly was the cultural icon they had seen on tv or if he was a grotesque fraud they had seen on tv.

Harris was so desperate to be seen as a musician that he even performed one of his “songs” during his recent trial. No one knows how he smuggled his wobble-board, or “instrument” as he calls it, into the courtroom. Musicologists have long debated the merits of this thing, with some claiming that it is a beautiful and interesting artefact and others, those who have heard it in concert, claiming that it is in fact just a board that wobbles. Needless to say the performance in court only added to the evidence against him.

Harris is reportedly upset with the world for letting his lies continue unchecked for years. “Why didn’t you tell me to stop?” he exclaimed dramatically. “If you had, I would have known what sort of damage I was doing.”

Harris even managed to convince the typically sensitive and culturally aware English aristocracy to consider him an artist, painting a “portrait” of the Queen using his “skills.” The Queen is reported to have sat through this affair patiently waiting for it to end.

Rolf Harris enthusiast and vacuous middle-aged nobody John Man has put a tough week of thinking behind him: “It is time to acknowledge the truth about him even though it has been in full view for decades. Anyone who scratched at the surface of his cuddly public persona could easily have seen that there was very little musical or cultural merit in his naff colonial posturing. I see that now. Celebrity status normally invokes such a careful, considered and deeply sensitive appraisal of the holistic nature of an individual, so it is a mystery to me that folksy caricatures like Harris and Jimmy Savile manage to become celebrities at all. I can only surmise that their abuse was carefully planned and invisible, like a ninja.”

Though it took an absurdly long time for Harris to be punished for his crimes, it is comforting to know that justice has finally been served. Also, Google and YouTube are now saturated with videos of his trial and conviction rather than any videos of his so called “music,” hopefully limiting any damage he might have otherwise inflicted on future generations. We can only hope that once his baby-boomer fans realise their childhood dreams came from a television set and may therefore need further questioning, his psoriatic influence on human history may eventually disappear or at least be replaced with something resembling truth.

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4 Responses

  1. megamezzo says:

    Psoriatic eh? If you’re after interesting, rarely used words of which no normal person knows the meaning, what about these: seronegative and spondyloarthropathy not to mention interphalangeal, golimumab and certolizumab. I’m sure all of these could be useful terms for a vacuous middle-aged nobody.

    Love these by the way!

    • throwcase says:

      Brilliant!
      I would like to use interphalangeal as a verb, to summarise the expression “reading between the lines.”
      E.g
      “I couldn’t understand until I properly interphalangealated the text.”
      I like it. It sounds as if one is performing an interrogation with an intellectual phalanx, causing elation.

  2. eloisehellyer@gmail.com says:

    Not being british, I had to google Mr. Harris to understand this utterly brilliant blog. Perhaps you could put a small introduction on such blogs for those of your fans who do not have the good fortune to live in the UK? Tweeting and FB’ing would be much easier. Thanks.

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