Pop-star Admits Drug Use On Talk Show- Gets Arrested
On a semi-relevant but gimmicky talk show last night the iconoclastically mainstream pop-star John Man discussed many of the illegal drugs he has taken over the past twenty years.
Many are astounded by his apparent lack of judgement as his confession was broadcast to an audience of millions. “I just forgot the audience was there,” he said. “The crusty, benign, yet dashingly irreverent host was talking to me so intimately and with such deep, empathetic concern for my emotional well-being that I completely forgot how I was supposed to be playing up to all my innocuous personality quirks to plug my latest thing.”
Police arrested Man on his way out of the building. He faces charges for breaking real laws and his appearance on the show will be classed as evidence in the trial.
Police have been criticised for pursuing rich and famous celebrities like Man but leaving the disadvantaged racial minorities of destitute American suburbs free to write memoirs about their criminal lifestyles unchecked. “Well, you know, those oppressed minorities are really attractive and write great songs sometimes,” said someone. “Some of them are really funny on twitter, and I would hate to impinge on their vicariously satisfying lifestyle just for the sake of law.”
Not all departments of the law are in favour of Man’s arrest. Bob Guy has the unenviable job running the many separate branches of the Department of Veracity. “When I come home from a hard day’s work getting white collar scum out of their office suites and onto the streets as more productive members of society, I enjoy sitting down in front of the TV to see what sort of shenanigans mildly talented performers got up to while smashed on illegal drugs. What will I do with my spare time instead?”
One of the police officers who arrested Man was not impressed with this plebian chicanery. “We all know that some laws can be bent, like murder. I just watched this fascinating documentary, The Act Of Killing, where you see real murderers discussing their past crimes. That’s so rare that the interest factor outweighs the whole law and morality thing. But popstars having drugs? We have a zero tolerance policy for that.”
Man is reportedly upbeat about his sudden reversal of fortune. “Well, I always wanted to be the subject of a overly long, dubiously successful Martin Scorsese film. Publicly embracing my atrocious criminal past for profit is probably the best way to do that.”