Woman Makes Choices In Magaluf


A woman partying in Magaluf recently made some choices that other people would not have made themselves. Since everybody has a say in the way women should behave at all times, this has led to controversy.

The woman performed sex acts with a number of men. Many newspapers reported that a “girl” performed the sex acts and this would have been scandalous indeed. However, we have confirmed that the woman was in fact eighteen and we must now question the competence of other news outlets. Either their sources were mistaken or journalists have exhibited a strange double standard whereby an 18-year-old man is never referred to as a “boy” but an 18-year-old woman is somehow still a “girl.” Perhaps this is what Britney Spears meant all along.

Furthermore, in every report of this incident the acts were described as “lewd” or “sickening” or even “horrifying”, because impartiality has no place in news reports. A “girl” performed these acts and, as we know from our repressed urges and undeveloped thoughts, girls having sex at parties is lewd and sickening and horrifying. Nobody has yet mentioned the lewd nature of the twenty-four men happy to be filmed receiving sexual favours from a stranger but this seems beside the point.

It is not yet clear how the woman was able to make choices at all. Women have been under the control of prurient moral arbiters for hundreds of years and should have lost all power to think or act outside a rigid boundary of publicly acceptable behaviours long ago.

John Man, a random person on twitter with no reason to be quoted here, had this to say: “I really thought that after all this time women would stop deciding to do things and start doing what I think they should do. I am totally outraged that this girl was able to repeatedly make choices for whatever reason she damn well wanted. What did she expect me to do when the link for “crazy sex acts in Magaluf that will disgust you” came up on Facebook? Honestly, why do women not have morals anymore?”

Thankfully the girl’s family is religious, so everything will be fine. “Though we are devastated by things she did which don’t affect us in any way, we are keen to make sure our voices are heard in this terrible saga of shame we’ve involved ourselves with. She is a victim; a victim of herself for being unable to appreciate the consequences of our outrage. Luckily we are strong and proud and resilient and can describe ourselves positively in many creative ways, so eventually we will forget that our daughter is a filthy slut.”

No one has sought any comment from the woman in question.

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1 Response

  1. Sarah Walker says:

    “I only did it for a free meal!” W

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