New CEO Confronts Challenges
John Man has become the new CEO of Some Company, a dynamic and innovative business that became famous and successful without his involvement. Now that he is in charge, that will Change.
“I am here to confront challenges and have visions,” said Man. “My main goal is never to feel as if the world could happily function without me.”
Man is reputed to have some qualifications, proving conclusively that at some point he did some other things somewhere else. He is now intent on bringing that experience into his new role as he confronts challenges and has visions.
“If you look at these studies I commissioned, it becomes obvious that companies function best when the CEO is paid at least ten times more than that guy I replaced. If anyone suggests that the successful business model I’ve inherited does not need to have its challenges confronted in this visionary way, I will make a Difficult Decision and sack them.”
Man reportedly spends much of his time “steering,” “piloting,” or otherwise running the company with some appropriate vehicular analogy. “For example, I recently sacked an entire department so I could promote some half-developed technology. I imagine that’s what offloading cargo from a ship would feel like. That is a challenge I would like to confront one day.”
Much of what Man says doesn’t seem to make any sense if you don’t also follow his Flickr, Tumblr, or Grrrr accounts. It is with these trendy modes of communication that Man is best able to describe his vision and provide euphemisms for his actions. “I try to present my decisions as if they embody a modern zeitgest of prescient liberalism. This way, no-one will sound convincing when they point out my flaws. I can then use overworked journalists to print whatever self-aggrandising mission statement I peddle them, and people will take my claims seriously because I am confronting challenges and ‘stimulating debate.'”
Nobody seems to know who appointed Man as CEO, or even how these kinds of appointments happen. Now that it has been Decided, Some Company will need to stick with him for years. “Having a contract is my favourite way of feeling like an integral part of something,” said Man.