Rockstar Biopic Ends With Surprising Drug-Addled Death


Well-meaning hippy Bob Guy watched a movie about his favourite rockstar recently, titled “Rockstar: The Journey”. He is reported to have liked it, although he was very surprised when the main character developed a drug addiction which spiralled out of control and led to a tragically early and unglamorous death.

“I just can’t connect the dots,” said Guy. “The first half of the film, you know, with all the sex, drugs and rock and roll, that portion of the movie was really great. It showed just how amazing life could be as a rockstar. But then out of nowhere everything became really terrible! I never expected that.”

Guy was much more impressed with the recent Steve Jobs film which ended with a glorious triumph over adversity, featured plenty of inspirational semi-eastern quotes and sported an exciting soundtrack that made you think Jobs would never die. “Now that’s the sort of hero I grew up being told I would eventually become somehow,” said Guy. “Now the next generation can have the same dream I did and hero-worship someone whose flaws have no consequences.”

John Man, who directed “Rockstar: The Journey”, empathised with Guy. “I understand how he feels,” he said, before managing to express the date of his birth in the present tense: “I am also a child of the fifties, so I understand his confusion. As a younger Man I was shocked to learn that my future depended on my actions and decisions and would not be given to me along with my parents’ money.”

Guy took issue with Man’s comments after not really understanding them or even trying to read them properly. “I have spent most of my life rejecting the Man because he represents precisely those sorts of ‘actions’ and ‘decisions’. I chose to reject authority and develop costly physical addictions just like my heroes, and now the Man says my cultural values will lead to ruin? If that were really the case then Johnny Depp would have told an anecdote by now about Hunter S. Thompson having said that.”

Guy is reportedly hoping to turn his frustration into something profound. He will soon embark on an odyssey of self discovery by taking a Kerouac novel on an unplanned, ill-equipped journey reliving someone else’s counter-cultural feelings for himself. “Eventually I hope to misinterpret the word ‘beatnik’ directly from the source.” Meanwhile Man is hard at work on another film about his own exciting, transgressional youth, called “Not Cutting Hair”.

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