Man Narrowly Avoids Thinking About Israel

25-year-old gardener John Man was reading an article about the conflict between weapons and human flesh currently raging in Gaza and almost had an opinion. Luckily he was able to stop himself before it was too late. “Yes- I’m glad to say that despite a narrow brush with critical thinking and nuanced debate holistically assessing multiple points of view, I managed to remain completely innocent of any opinion whatsoever.”

Man very nearly posted a Facebook status that tried to assess the conflict from both sides. When Facebook’s advertising algorithm capitalised on his post by offering him a link to neo-Nazi groups and Satanist child-murdering clubs he quickly thought better of it. “In this day and age it is important to appreciate the power of social media. If you are seen to support anyone, it means you want  other people to die, and that’s wrong.”

Man has brushed aside critics who say that the sort of blank passivity he is endorsing represents a failure of human inquiry, and even goes against the principle of truth itself. “I disagree with that premise; if there is one thing Facebook and Twitter has taught me it is that truth can never be more important than our personal reputations and public profiles. Perhaps I could discuss the finer points of Israeli military operations over a private dinner with someone I had vetted beforehand, but I would certainly never do it out in the open. That’s just asking to be attacked.”

Man says his deliberate emptiness was inspired by a member of One Direction, who who famously vowed to wear a purity ring symbolising his lack of involvement in the conflict. “As a noise-making member of a boy band he is never required to have opinions” said Man. “In fact, it would be newsworthy for him to express any thoughts at all. He represents the style of thinking I aspire towards: silent, privileged complicity.”

Bob Guy, who has no opinions of his own either, supported Man’s desire for a clean slate. “I only read pro-Israel articles now,” said Guy, “since they are usually written with such powerful rhetoric and they convey such a strong sense of personal identity that I get a super-great feeling in my tummy. I used to be upset when I read about civilian casualties, so I don’t read about them anymore.”

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4 Responses

  1. megamezzo says:

    This maybe your best yet Throwcase – but, again, it may not be…… I think I’ll reserve judgement for the time being……

  2. QuantaCaV says:

    If you tap the top of an iPhone, Safari scrolls to the top of the page.

Think. Type. Dazzle

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