War Commemorations Ruined By Man With Hopeful Spirit
John Man tried to convey the soul-crushing meaninglessness of war in a recent dawn service but his efforts were marred by an enthusiastic participant who continually expressed hope and positivity.
Bill Dog attended the service with a personal warmth and profound sense of respect, repeatedly singing beautiful hymns, invoking notions of the afterlife and saying things like “their sacrifice allowed me to live.”
Man quickly realised that Dog would never understand how war was horrible in every way. “The whole point of this service was to remember the terrible consequences of war. One moment we are reciting Wilfred Owen’s poem, Futility, and the next moment Bill is spouting platitudes about how soldiers ‘died for us.’ Where’s the futility in that?”
Critics have helpfully pointed out that this sounds a bit mean, and maybe Man could learn something from the hopeful perspective of someone like Bill. Man remained unconvinced. “Well, look where that got Optimus Prime. He believed any old thing Mark Wahlberg said no matter how many of his own robot things were being killed, just so he could get on a giant robot dinosaur and smash things.”
World War I commemorations have proved controversial this year. Wild lower-class teenagers have travelled around the country erecting tasteful commemorative plaques in every spare park or grassy fenced-in area they can find. It has cost councils millions of pounds to remove or deface their handiwork so that no one can be spurred on by notions of immortalised heroism to commit further acts of horrible, violent and pointless war.