Shakespeare Fan Gets A Little Bored During Play

A young thespian who professes to love Shakespeare above all other dramatists saw a production of Hamlet recently and was a little bored in the middle.

19 year old John Man, going by the name “ShakespeareRulez!” attended the play at the Globe theatre because any other venue would not have been historically informed or correct enough. He found that although it is still definitely the greatest work of genius in all-time history, there were bits in the middle that he didn’t quite understand and other bits that went on a bit too long.

“I think it must be down to the bad production,” he said in front of friends. “There’s no way that Shakespeare could ever be boring if it were done exactly right, because Shakespeare is the greatest genius in all-time history.” He has since embarked on a project to update Shakespeare’s English for modern readers. “We need to get rid of all the ‘thees’ and ‘thous’ and make everything sound really cool, you know? Then it will not ever be boring ever.”

Man writes lengthy articles about Shakespeare’s genius and often bombards friends with condescending presumptions about their poor literary taste if they do not understand his Shakespearean references and witty allusions. “Sometimes I feel like my friends wouldn’t even be welcome on the human continuum of genius like I am, because I can appreciate it so much. I call it: the Anxiety of Innocence. I made that up by myself.”

When he isn’t admiring Shakespeare, Man likes to listen to profound classical music because popular music obviously doesn’t speak the great truths of the human condition. He recently saw Shostakovich’s 4th Symphony at the Proms, and loved the fast bits. “My favourite bit was when the fugue started, because you could really hear the complexity so clearly. Then, you know, it goes on for a while, but it’s the start of the fugue that was really amazing. I wish the concert could have been just those bits.”

Man also likes to pay newspapers to write articles about him with no other purpose but publicity, when you get right down to it. In his spare time he writes his own poetry and posts it on his website: “There’s only one of me,” he said.

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2 Responses

  1. megamezzo says:

    This is too complex for the likes of me – even for me myself! M

  2. eloisehellyer says:

    What you write here rings true. unfortunately. And this worries me.

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