British Government May Repeal Peanut M&M Law
The British government has taken preliminary steps towards a radical overhaul of the law regarding Peanut M&M’s. Some commentators say the law may be repealed entirely, because speculation sounds great in print.
The None Without Peanuts Act, passed by the UK parliament in the early 80’s, stipulates that it should not be possible to purchase a large bag of ordinary chocolate M&M’s anywhere in the UK. The law is an integral part of what it means to be British, right down to the bootstraps.
We spoke to ex-minister Blinky Bill who, together with a ragtag assortment of colourful mammalian friends, wrote the law during a quirky adventure. “We designed it to ensure that whenever someone in the UK wants to buy a bag full of vibrantly colourful, candy-shellacked chocolates, they’ll just have to buy some fucking peanuts instead,” he said.
The law was created in the infamous Year of the Peanut, during which the British public collectively agreed that chocolate needed to involve as much peanut as possible. “I just love M&M’s,” said one British person. “That’s why I want to buy the type that doesn’t taste anything like an M&M but tastes a lot like a peanut. That satisfies me deeply.”
Scientists at the time dubbed this the “Charlie Brown Syndrome” and were unable to account for its mysterious origin. “It is the nature of scientific inquiry to question the great preternatural mysteries of the universe,” said a man in a lab. “For example, who looked at a batch of delicious chocolate and thought, my goodness, I better start shoving some peanuts into this?”
Recently, the government granted the unreasonably enormous M&M store in Leicester Square a special dispensation, allowing it to stock real M&M’s, every other conceivable colour and flavour of M&M’s that could possibly exist, and swathes of horrible, gaudy merchandise. It is rumoured that the manic popularity of this shop prompted current ministers to question the purpose of the law altogether. They began to consider the possibility that people might actually enjoy eating real M&M’s, rather than some hokey variation inexplicably reinforced with dehiscent legume turds.
Blinky Bill was unperturbed by this possibility. “It doesn’t matter if I really was wrong. I went to Oxbridge so the only thing I care about is making sure I never sound wrong.”
Bill was also quick to counter accusations that this is a ‘first world problem.’ “Of course it is,” he said. “I live in the first world. Literally every problem I have is, by definition, a first world problem. What do you think I do, fetch my M&M’s from the village well?”