The One Cheque To Rule Them All


This is a rather special post in honour of one of my earliest and most loyal fans. Christine Buras, excellent soprano and musicologist, has her birthday on this very day, and this post is dedicated to her. Happy birthday!

The time has come for me to pay you, oh dear reader of Blog.

Yes, I could give you this cash I have right here, but I won’t do that. I’m a wizard, I can do what I want. Instead, I will give you this thing that represents cash, but isn’t cash.

Take this ring upon which I have inscribed a secret code, consisting of legible numbers and those same numbers expressed as words. I call this ring: a Cheque.

This ring will gain you access to a stash of Orc gold. To access the gold you need to venture forth into an Orc house, known as a Bank.

These Orc houses are everywhere, yet are palled by a dark magic that makes them invisible when you most need them. The key to finding an Orc house is not to search for one in advance but rather to walk the Earth in perpetuity until one appears as if by chance before your eyes.

However, you may not immediately gain entry to the Orc house if you have come at The Wrong Time. Orc time bears no relation to the hours of Man and is enshrouded by a mystical secrecy only the most adept of rune-reading scribes can decipher. It is rumoured that Bobo the Hobo finally came to understand the rationale of Orc time after devoting his life to their study, but he perished before he could pass on the secret. Some believe it was the secret of Orc time itself that killed him, for no Man can understand its power and live to tell the tale.

Once you have successfully delivered the ring to an Orc-Horde King you must wait for five Orc days. Sadly, Orcs do not possess the ability to read, and so must spend these five days staring at the Ring in confusion, hitting it with the foreheads and throwing it at each other until sufficient Ring magic has been invoked to convert it into Orc gold. This gold is then instantly flown into your home via magical hypersonic Eagles.

Why do we not simply use the Eagles to deliver the Ring and skip the whole journey, I hear you ask, oh dearest reader? Well, We can’t just use the Eagles any old time because that would be ridiculous. Next you’ll be suggesting we build a vast global network of high-speed cables that can instantly transmit unfathomable quantities of information anywhere on Earth via a sophisticated computer language of some kind. That would cost billions and take years. Let us be realistic.

There is one more thing you need: take this picture of your face with you on your travels. Orcs will need to look at this picture, because they do not understand that you have a face.

Go forth. May luck swathe your steps.

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2 Responses

  1. megamezzo says:

    Happy Birthday Christine!

  2. Anonymous says:

    What a great Birthday Tale, You haven’t lost your touch, the one Adele loves.

Think. Type. Dazzle

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