Man Says Nightclub Is “Just Totally Different Now”


Queue-jumper John Man is reportedly disappointed that his favourite nightclub has changed a bit. Though it is still the same malodorous slew of moist sediment it always was, Man no longer believes it expresses his identity and spends a lot of time telling people that.

The Smiling Prozzie used to attract a certain crowd but now it has different crowd so it’s just doesn’t have the same crowd it used to have,” he said.

Man is sad that all the exuberant joy he remembers fondly from his first visit now seems like an impossible dream. “It’s as if my youthful enthusiasm for new experiences has been replaced by the soul-crushing ennui of thwarted dreams,” he said. “And now the beer garden has been painted green, which is totally wrong.”

Man now goes to The Preggers Ho instead. He is looking forward to spending a few ecstatic weeks at that venue until the management changes or the music becomes too mainstream or some other thing happens to make him feel like he is no longer crossing an important threshold on the road to adulthood and he should take his latent urges elsewhere, probably to a new club like The Unspoiled Face, which has a really great vibe.

“I want to feel like I am in that great rave scene in the Matrix where Neo sets out to discover the truth of the world,” he told reporters. “I don’t want to feel like I’m in that horribly pointless rave scene in the sequel where immense machines of death bear down upon helpless victims desperate to regain a lost feeling of power and freedom not available to them any other way.”

Eventually he plans to avoid disillusionment altogether by visiting several different venues each night. This way he will never have time to realise that he isn’t having a great time because he will be so busy being about to have a great time somewhere else.

“Some people say you can have a great time by staying at home, but I don’t see how,” he said. “It would take me hours to piss all over the floor if I had to do it myself.”

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1 Response

  1. megamezzo says:

    I was about to invite him to try ‘Our Place’ – until I read the last sentence….

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