Student Abandons Friend After Hearing Tawdry Gossip


Arts student Mary Contrary was delighted to make a new friend yesterday, after meeting Economics Major Sally Garden at a social gathering. Mary found Sally delightful and charming and they bonded over a variety of mutual interests.

Unfortunately, Mary later overheard a group of bitter, spinstery tweeds vehemently criticising Sally. They complained about her disgusting behaviour, her horrible character, and that prestigious job she was recently offered. Mary was devastated. “When I spoke to her myself she seemed so friendly and delightful. How could I have been so wrong?”

Mary now has to put her own thoughts and feelings aside so she can ostracise Sally for several years. “I’m so lucky I heard those people saying some words. My own reputation is at stake, after all.”

We spoke to John Man, one of the scholars who had so tirelessly analysed Sally’s flaws. “She’s just such a slut,” he said. “She had sex with like two guys in a month. And she didn’t even march with us in support of gay marriage. We just can’t associate with someone who doesn’t support the free and equal expression of sexual identity.”

Sally was not available for comment; we can only presume that she was too busy bathing in goat’s blood or throwing mirrors at kittens, just as we have come to expect from someone like her. Meanwhile, Mary’s parents were proud of their specially-wecially daughter for casting away any type of dubious influence in her life. “As Socrates said, the unexamined gossip is great. Really great.”

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2 Responses

  1. In Sally’s defense, she only held hands with one of those young men and batted her eyelashes at the other. What Mr. Man isn’t telling us is that he also tirelessly advocated for a radical redefinition of what constitutes sex. I believe he did this in order to “slut-shame” with impunity (a noble purpose, I’ll grant you), but don’t quote me on that.

  2. megamezzo says:

    ‘Ah! Socrates!’ she sighed, breathlesly.
    Now THERE’S a real tawdry-wardry guy.

Think. Type. Dazzle

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