Man Ready To Hate Pope Again This Christmas
John Man, trendy Western intellectual hipster, is excited and ready for this year’s story about the Pope saying something outrageous and disgusting during his Christmas address. Man reportedly can’t wait to share the inevitable “news” story with all his friends, and has already prepared a list of daring atheistic quips in question form.
“The very existence of a pope is an insult to our intelligence as a species,” he told reporters. “He stands for mindless belief in absurd ideas unsupported by any evidence. It is my duty to attack him with whatever I can find, like this implausible sounding quote from one random blogger, or this meme that is so true it doesn’t even need to provide a source. If it turns out not to be historically true that will only convince me of its essential truth. Popes are shit.”
His friend and colleague Bob Guy, known for his vociferous pleasantness, disagreed. “The very existence of a pope is an insult to our intelligence as a species,” he told reporters. “He stands for mindless belief in absurd ideas unsupported by any evidence. That is why I love the current pope, because he’s always saying really open-minded things you wouldn’t expect a pope to say. This pope is great, unlike other popes, who are obviously shit.”
Man was delighted last year when thousands of news sources earnestly reprinted some story about the Pope that sounded pretty true because it criticised him. “We need more criticism of our enemies,” he said. “At this stage, intellectual rigour will only distract from our cause. Down with mindless belief!” Meanwhile, Guy was quite pleased this year when a Twitter hashtag made it seem as if the Pope was happy to embrace people of any colour or creed, except for the dogmatic Catholics he obviously needs to repudiate. “When he goes all secular relativist I go all fuzzy inside,” said Guy, smiling.
We spoke to the Pope on his mobile phone, because cool popes use mobile phones. He talked at length about complex Catholic theology and the difficult history of Church politics, and he tried to assess how the Church can move forward in the 21st century. But how crazy is it that we spoke to a pope on a mobile phone!?
Man and Guy both said that talking about the Pope has given them a new lease on life. “I love it when I say something and everybody around me goes “yeah!” That’s when I know I’ve hit upon the truth,” they both said.