Eurovision Outbreak Continues To Spread
Jack Man, known for his love of jazz and rabbits, is bracing himself for another outbreak of Eurovision fever.
“I’m so excited,” he said. “The only other time I feel like this is when I contemplate my impending, inevitable death.”
Man woke up to find himself hosting a Eurovision party, and knew at once that he had been contaminated. His house was full of hundreds of people so determined to blur the line between ironic detachment and secretive, shameful indulgence that soon everyone was finger painting with their own excrement.
“If anyone starts asking questions, I just say it’s a harmless bit of fun,” said one reveller. “That way I don’t have to be responsible for any of my thoughts as we all do this thing together.”
We spoke to one partygoer who was clearly having the type of fun that stems from charming diffidence rather than weak-willed enthusiasm. “You can think whatever you like about Eurovision, except if you genuinely do not like it,” he explained. “That just isn’t cool. Next you’ll be saying that it’s possible to genuinely like Eurovision! Absurd! No, much better that we all enjoy appearing to like it only so much that appearing not to like it would not be as fun as liking it as much as everyone else appears to like it.”
Man was so busy dancing and sweating that he could hardly follow the scintillatingly wry tweets being posted about the wacky performances. “Which ethnic group is it now?” he screamed. “I think it’s great that Europe has a way of airing their differences in a way that is harmless and fun, rather than going to war, which is harmful and sad. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s still obviously a silly meaningless competition that’s all just totally a bit of fun. But, if it did have meaning somehow, I’m just saying that if it were to be seen to have any meaning, then that is probably some meaning it could possibly have. And I just love ethnic stuff.”
Man is not used to hearing criticism about Eurovision. “I don’t get it,” he said. “When people express their own independent thoughts about Eurovision I just think “why bother!?”