Genital Mutilation Is Quite A Bad Thing
As the international condemnation over Female Genital Mutilation gathers pace, campaigners hope that soon they will finally be able to drop the word ‘female’ from their slogans altogether.
“Of course we had to put the word ‘female’ in the campaign so that people knew we were talking about something bad,” said Sally, friend of Angelina Jolie. “But eventually we hope that all people will celebrate the birth of their sons and daughters without even remotely feeling the need to cut bits off them at all.”
John Man, president of the pro-mutilation group The Scissor Brothers, was outraged. “What will happen to my way of life?” he exclaimed. “I mean, female genital mutilation is obviously an antiquated, barbaric practice, but who amongst us doesn’t look at a young baby boy without feeling that avuncular urge to start sharpening the knives? I have habits, you know.”
Man’s organisation courted controversy recently with the release of a promotional video called One Baby, One Knife. The video attempted to show how innocuous and pleasing it is to attack the sexual organs of defenceless infants. “I don’t understand the controversy,” he said. “I’m always filming myself doing things with babies. I know best.”
Sally was unusually sensitive to Man’s plight, pointing out that he really does mean well and may even think has the children’s best interests at heart. “It is easy to lose sight of the bigger picture,” she said, “like how it is not good to mutilate the genitals of children. Anyone could make this type of mistake.”
Man is glad that he can refer to his bronze-age practices publicly as some type of tradition, rather than as poorly justified, meaningless torture with life-long consequences. “People don’t feel comfortable criticising tradition,” he intoned knowingly. “After all, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. This philosophy occasionally means a great deal to me.”