Classical Musicians Vow To Be Dickheads

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Many of the world’s most unjustifiably famous classical musicians met this week for the most important event in the music world.

“As usual,” said Max Schaft, “the biggest item on the agenda was: ‘should we keep being a dick to anyone who doesn’t like the same music we do?’ Thankfully I settled this issue, and now I look forward to being a dick to everyone I meet.”

A minority of dissident voices at the conference were troubled by this outlook. “I sometimes wonder if being a dickhead is the right approach,” said Sally McNally. “Perhaps it might better not to be a dick to people who, for whatever reason, don’t like the same music we do.”

“Nonsense,” said Schaft. “That is the best part about listening to music with a long history of cultural authority: you can pretend that some of that authority is yours. Once you have that, everybody else becomes inferior to you. Feeling validated has never been easier.”

We spoke to John Man, inveterate piano toucher, who felt he should agree with Schaft but had his own opinion instead. “Musical preferences come down to taste, and that is always changing anyway. We shouldn’t take it personally when someone doesn’t like our favourite composer.”

“Nonsense,” said Schaft. “The music I like is universal, in much the same way that any highly refined culture with its own complex history seems universal to the people who grow up in it.”

Sally McNally left the conference burdened by a deep and abiding sadness. “I’ll just have to keep my musical tastes to myself,” she said. “It would be great if I could freely revel in the magnificent cultural bounty the past few centuries of creative endeavour have left us. Too bad I have to make sure I only like the ‘right’ stuff.”

“Victory!” said Schaft. “Now that I have won, I really see no reason to develop any empathy, tact, or sensitivity at this point; much better  to promote the grace, nobility, and profundity of classical music instead.”

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4 Responses

  1. megamezzo says:

    Why do I always find myself agreeing with what your fertile imagination dreams up? I find it all rather worrying…. After all – I AM old enough to be your grandmother!

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