Two Friends Have Long, Stupid Argument Until One Of Them Just Leaves
John Man, a young whippersnapper and new-age classicist, recently had a vigorous debate with his friend Bob Guy. Initially it was about nothing at all, but somehow it became an enraged life and death duel about pretty much everything, or at the very least something. After quite a long and vigorous period of earnest yelling Man decided to resolve the issue, which he did by just walking away.
Man spoke to us about the entire, pointless affair. “Well, I jumped into the discussion with a couple of sure-fire winners,” he said, “you know, the types of arguments you practise in front of a mirror or while masturbating because they are so great. But I soon realised that my victory was somehow being blocked, so I walked away haughtily. Class.”
Guy had another view, which he explained to us mercilessly. “One minute we were both politely articulating our points of view with clarity, concision, and a mutual yearning for dialectical synthesis,” he said, “and the next minute Man just walks off as if the conversation had all been a waste of time! I think that proves I was right, as I always knew I was.”
Though both of them referred to the debate as a ‘discussion’, everyone around them called it a ‘horrible argument with no purpose at all.’ One spectator was reportedly upset that the argument occurred, despite it reaching a satisfying conclusion. “My only problem with it was how it completely dominated and derailed the social event we were at and made the rest of us wish we were dead just a little bit.”
Man was not short of a witty riposte: “I didn’t just walk away,” he said. “First I criticised the whole nature of arguments generally so that Guy would feel like he couldn’t rebut.” However, Guy showed no signs of wanting to stop, like a rapist or a hungry cat: “Of course I could rebut; that’s what I do. I’m like a surgeon who specialises in rectum repair.”
Finally, Man hit upon the ingenious solution of just walking away. “I have great discussions with people all the time, because I always win,” he said. “So how could Guy win if I wasn’t there? Class.”