Conductor Waves Arms
Last night, local hobknobber John Man found himself on the stage of a world famous concert venue dressed in a beautiful set of tails, bowing magnanimously to a huge crowd of adoring fans. When the applause died down, Man was shocked to see a large group of orchestral musicians on the stage, looking at him expectantly.
“To be honest it was hard not to notice the 100-piece, late 19th-century orchestra under all those stage lights,” he said. “I could see all their eager little unionised faces staring up at me and I was like ‘oh shit, what do I do?’ But then I remembered: I’m supposed to wave my arms. So that’s what I did.”
Man reports that he waved his arms excitedly for some time, pausing only occasionally to allow the crowd a chance to applaud him. “They too could see that I was waving my arms,” he said. “How could they not? Most of them probably had eyes.”
We spoke to one of the orchestral musicians, Jessie Deskie, who thought it was pretty weird when she saw Man striding confidently passed her and her colleagues as if he had something to do. “At first I thought ‘what is that random guy doing up there? I don’t remember him- he’s not even holding an instrument’. But when he started to wave his arms around I was like ‘oh, I see’.”
Many in the audience were able to testify that they definitely saw Man waving his arms. “Oh I saw it alright,” said Ropey Dopey, ex tie-specialist. “I have functional eyes which I use often.”
Man hopes that his successful session of arm-waving last night will be a harbinger of things to come. “In the future I hope to use the skills and experiences I gained tonight to help me do very similar sorts of tasks again,” he said, “like, for example, waving my arms.”