Classical Musician Struggles To Like “Mozart In The Jungle” Because It’s Terrible

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John Man, a young classical musician with a laptop, recently tried to watch Mozart in The Jungle, the edgy new show about a young oboist trying to make it big as an orchestral musician. Man was looking forward to enjoying how much that would probably appeal to him, but unfortunately he couldn’t because the show is awful.

“I was so excited when it came out,” he said. “Struggling young performer I could relate to? Check. Scenes featuring great classical music? Check. Well-written, three dimensional characters? Hmmm…well, two out of three isn’t bad, I guess. Actually, it is quite bad.”

The head writer behind the show told us what he thought of Man’s scandalous comments. “Well, I’m not sure he saw the episode where we had the elite orchestral musicians taking drugs,” he said. “Did he see that? I mean, it’s classical music, and it’s DRUGS. He really should have seen that, it’s incredible.”

We spoke to Hailey, the main character of the show. “When I make a mistake, I don’t just play a wrong note, I drop my fucking oboe,” she said attractively.

The studio in charge of the show, Demographic Target, does not really mind the sort of criticisms that classical musicians like Man have been making. “They’ll just have to accept whatever they are given,” said their CEO, Bob Flob. “The best thing about making a show about classical music is that there isn’t any other show to compete with, so whatever we do is easily the best. Plus, did they see the scenes where the classical musicians take drugs? Beethoven, drugs…I mean, what’s going on!?”

We spoke to Mr Old Conductor, the crusty authority figure on the show who is replaced by a younger, more foreign conductor. “It was hard for me when that chap started doing lots of creative things like getting the whole orchestra arrested,” he said. “The only way I could be creative was to abandon the humdrum demands of modern western life and travel to a quaint South-American village where everybody is authentic and I could compose my symphony, on paper. That’s how creativity works.”

Man says that he is happy to wait for the next classical music show to come out which will hopefully appeal to him in a sort of merit-based way. “It would be nice if they could portray musicians as actual people, rather than ciphers for a romanticised ideal of musical life apparently written by a committee of children. Not that that’s bad or anything… actually it is quite bad. It’s awful.”

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2 Responses

  1. Art Maddox says:

    I know Blair Tindall well (no I don’t) and she told me (no she didn’t) that she was very disappointed you didn’t mention all the SEX! …something even old musicians need lots of!

    • eloisehellyer says:

      Hear, hear! Also it’s like the movie “Amadeus” – after seeing it people thought they knew all about Mozart AND classical music.

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