Student Wants To Reschedule Lesson Every Five Goddamn Seconds

John Man, master of staring, is a vibrant and talented young music student who just loves, loves, loves learning! He works so hard that he often has to reschedule lesson times with his teacher every five goddamn seconds.

“Oh no I can’t do that time, can I do yesterday instead?” he asked via text message about an hour before his lesson today. “I just have so much on!”

Man’s teacher, Dorothy Schnipple, says that Man is so enthusiastic she often can’t tell if he understands something or just doesn’t at all. “With most of my students I can say with certainty that they are definitely there. That’s sometimes a challenge with Man, and by sometimes I mean always.”

We had trouble speaking to Man because he forgot to remember our appointment and we never met him even once. Many on our staff wondered if he even existed or if he was some sort of wraith-like steward of fate taunting us to an early grave.

“He is unlike the other students, that’s for sure,” said Schnipple. “I sometimes forget he is my student. In fact I sort of wish he wasn’t, but there he is on my list, always reminding me of a duty I am perpetually unable to fulfil, like I’m emptying a river with a spoon.”

As we talked to Schnipple she received another text from Man asking to change the time of the lesson again. “I’m so stressed about this audition that I didn’t know about at all even though we did get emails about it every week for the whole year,” it said. “Could I have eight extra lessons? Also, instead of me going to your house, would you be happy to come to my house? I can make you a tea. It would be really convenient for you.”

Schnipple says it is all in a day’s work for her. “I never used to understand why neglect was more cruel than hatred,” she said. “In that sense, he has actually taught me more than I have taught him.”


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