I’m Voting Trump Because He Has The Best Viola Jokes

I bet if I asked you to recite some of Hilary Clinton’s best viola jokes, you wouldn’t even know where to start. You might think that somewhere in the midst of her many speeches and appearances she could have found time to crack off a few pearls of viola-based hilarity, but no matter how long you searched, you wouldn’t be able to find even one example. The fact is, only one presidential candidate this year is able to tell a good viola joke, and that’s Donald Trump.

Does that matter, I hear you ask? Of course it does, I hear myself answer! Because what matters most about a potential presidential candidate? Is it their vision for the future? Is it their problem solving skills? Is it their ability to run a country? Many would answer yes to these questions, but I would answer no if someone were to ask them to me hypothetically. None of those qualities matter as much as the ability to Express Yourself, like a functioning teat.

This is what Donald Trump does with mammary-flaunting cogency: he Expresses Himself. And as we all know, that’s what viola jokes are for. They are designed to help people with no meaningful thoughts of their own express themselves.

Let me give you an example. Let us say you play in a concert with your string quartet and afterwards you meet a lovely gentleman who has money or some sort of influence somewhere and he wants to chat. Upon seeing the violist he will immediately and with great relish say something like “ooh I’ve got one” and then recite one of the oldest and most boring viola jokes around. It would probably be the one where the violist confuses Fur Elise for a trill, or can’t get into the house without knowing the key, etc. This man and many like him will always say terrible jokes like this, delivered with the sort of drooling, doe-eyed wonder you normally see on people in the process of relieving themselves. They say it because they probably read How To Win Friends and Influence People, especially the chapter: Insult Them And Their Profession And Expect Them To Enjoy The Joke- What Are They, Sissies?

 Another person who must have read this book is successful business person Donald Trump. He says whatever he thinks, and he says it as soon as he thinks it, like a goat. That’s why he has the best viola jokes out of any politician I have ever seen. Take this one for example:

Hey- what happened to all the violists I rounded up and put on a boat off the coast of China?

I blew them up with a nuke.

This is the sort of thing no one else would even dare say. It’s bold, it’s based on something we all know to be true about violists, and it is hilarious. I’m so dazzled it’s almost as if I have seen a nuke go off for real, and that’s fun.

So ask yourself this when you go to vote in November: do you want a political scene full of high class viola jokes? I know how I would answer that question if someone were to ask me, hypothetically: I would answer that by saying yes, and/or nodding, and you should too.

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1 Response

  1. megamezzo says:

    Almost unbearably probable…..

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