Getting Rid Of Claptrap- Solving The Classical Music Crisis

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We all know there is a crisis in the world of classical music. For example, our audiences are getting older, and that is a problem! As old audience members start to die off we will find no one to replace them, because ageing has ceased across the entire population of the world and no more old people are being made. Also, how are you supposed to know when to clap? We spoke to John Man about this vital question that still, after decades of scientific research across hundreds of online comment sections, has not been resolved.

“It’s a tough one, but I alone have the solution: everyone should clap whenever they want,” he explained to me over coffee. After a long silence, he continued: “Why didn’t you applaud that? Like I say, it’s the solution.”

Man says that the main obstacle for new audiences coming to classical music concerts is what he calls Claptrap. “Listening to music is fun, but not as much fun as talking about clapping,” he said. “Once caught in the Claptrap, it is very hard to escape.”

The problem seems to be unsolvable. Even if a new audience is enticed to come to a concert through the devilish power of marketing and/or magic, when they get home they will still have to deal with the inevitable questions: did I read enough think-pieces about wether I should have clapped or not? Is there another angle to be considered regarding the need for clapping? Have I truly understood the phenomenon of clapping from a culturally sensitive point of view? “Sometimes I just want to say ‘enough of the claptrap’ and move on,” said Man.

Man believes that Claptrap has infiltrated all aspects of the discussion around classical music. “Let’s say you want to talk about which Beethoven Symphony you like most and how much it inspires you; well, you can try, but sooner or later someone will bring up Claptrap. They will say “oh but I wanted to clap but I couldn’t I’m repressed” and you will have to say ‘oh not this again.’ You’ll soon find that you are talking about little else.”

Man was insistent that he has found the solution to the classical music crisis, and a way to do away with Claptrap. “I have thought of an idea to fix all this, and that idea sounds great on paper, and so I think the best course of action is to talk about that idea forever,” he explained. “Sometimes, you have to fight Claptrap with Claptrap.”

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