Man Solves Classical Music Crisis
John Man, classical musician and chanter of dark spells above rivers of lava, says he has found the perfect solution to what many critics are calling a great crisis in classical music.
“I think the best thing for classical musicians to do to keep this wonderful tradition alive is to sort of, you know, keep doing it,” he said. “In many ways, musicians are the most essential component of this whole thing.”
Man says he hit upon the solution while he was watching a concert and realised how great it would be if the musicians could feel rewarded and valued while working hard at their craft. “I looked around and thought, gosh, there are a lot of people involved in this, and they are doing such a great job. Well done to them.”
We spoke to Bob Guy who has a career in some other industry and looks great in an expensive suit, who disagreed. “I’m not sure they really are doing a good job. Look at this,” he said, whipping a graph out of a suitcase. “I have looked at data and I have made a graph. And look, the graph points downwards. That is a very bad sign.”
Guy was not alone in his view; he was soon surrounded by a slew of wealthy muggles who were all keen to promote their own unique blend of artistic purity mixed with big balls of sexy commercial magic. “I think it is obvious that as a genre, classical music is not naturally suited to the sort of commercialisation we see in other fields,” said Flibbity Flobbity, marketing expert. “With enough luck, one day I will cure it of this problem once and for all.”
Man breezily dismissed these comments. “It seems like it has been in a state of ‘crisis’ for my whole life,” he said. “If something can be dying for so long and yet still somehow doesn’t die, then it probably isn’t dying. Maybe that is actually proof of its resilience, durability, and unique appeal? Either that, or we just haven’t found all of its Horcruxes yet.”