Man Quotes Volkov’s ‘Testimony’ As If That’s Fine

John Man, musician and occasional mogul, recently used a quote from ‘Testimony’, Solomon Volkov’s famous book on Shostakovich, apparently thinking that it was perfectly fine to do that.

“I read a book,” he said.

Man reportedly found the book in a library while he was researching Shostakovich, and could hardly believe his luck. “It had Shostakovich on the cover and everything.”

Critics were quick to point out that the book is fraudulent, and therefore quoting from it is also a type of fraudulence, the type strengthened by ignorance. “I really wanted to believe it was true,” said Bob Guy, famous critic. “Some of the quotes are great, and you get a very clear picture of a Shostakovich from it. But then there’s all that, what do you call it…evidence, about how it was faked. That almost spoiled the whole thing for me.”

Not entirely spoiled, however; certainly not for everyone. There are some for whom one ‘Testimony’ quote is simply not enough. “I was so impressed by it that I decided to turn the whole thing into a novel,” said Jimmy Knobhands, famous author. “But unfortunately, I realised only too late that it already is a novel. What a waste of time.”

We reached out to Volkov personally to see if he had anything to say about the whole affair. “My thoughts neatly align with liberal, Western ideals,” said Shostakovich.

Man was confused by all this controversy, pointing out that he made a trip all the way to the library and had to reach up with his arms in order to take it off a shelf. “All that work and you’re telling me it isn’t really true? That is going to make quoting from it a lot harder. Or maybe it won’t…”

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