Orchestra Stands Down All Inessential Workers, Like Musicians

Reports are coming in that the world-famous Orchestra Of Some Repute has decided to stand down all of their inessential workers, effective immediately.

“You know, this gets me so down I just can’t stand it,” said John Man, CEO of the orchestra. “Sometimes I can’t even stand sitting down. I have a pillow made of goosedown on a nightstand near the bandstand downtown, understand?”

The musicians are understandably shocked and outraged to find that their jobs have disappeared overnight. “At first I thought that we were essential workers,” said Union Jack, who runs the orchestra’s union, and whose name is probably Jack. “But who was I kidding? We just play the music.”

We put Nancy Droolittle, a working class high society busybody, on the case. The results were immediate. “Well guv’na,” she said spiritedly, “them there bob gobs and fat cats ain’t got no principles, ya hear? They just gone and shut down that there orchestra like it was no skin off their nose. Not loverley!”

The question is, if an orchestra doesn’t pay any of its musicians, does the orchestra still exist? “Yes,” said Sally McNally, who writes emails for the orchestra and sometimes answers them as well. “It does for me.”

The musicians are now having to face a very uncertain future. “Before this happened I had big dreams for my life,” said Cello Joe. “Now all I want is a room somewhere, far away from the cold night air.”

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