This Amazonian Tribe Has Never Heard Of IMSLP

In the depths of the Amazon rainforest lives a tribe who has no contact with the outside world. Theirs is a traditional hunter-gatherer lifestyle, untouched by modernity. They live and work together in tightly-knit communities, believe in a unique and ritualised mythological world, and forage.

It has been reported that out here, such tribes do not have access to the International Music Score Library Project, otherwise known as IMSLP. Many have not even heard of it at all, and would surely be at a loss if asked to choose which editions are reputable and which should be avoided.

“My accompanist says that IMSLP is a great resource,” said John Man, an undergraduate baritone at a music school in a city. “Perhaps that Amazonian tribe doesn’t work with good accompanists?”

Many in the Amazonian tribe are reportedly unaware that you don’t need to buy your scores if they are already in the public domain, especially if all you do is google the name of your piece and click on the first sponsored link that comes up. “I think we need to get the word out to them as soon as possible,” said Sally McNally, classical concert music person. “If they don’t know about IMSLP, then they surely don’t know that Richard Strauss is now in the public domain as well. I just can’t imagine how they are living out there without free access to Ein Heldenleben.”

“Perhaps they can’t afford the yearly subscription fee,” said Bob Guy, earnest oboist. “But it’s not that much, really, just a couple of pints or coffees. In any case you don’t have to subscribe, you just have to wait fifteen seconds before each download. That’s not long, really, especially if you live in the jungle. It would be a good opportunity to enjoy the relaxing atmosphere.”

Almost as soon as news of this untouched Amazon tribe had been reported, PRS had already organised to impose onerous, inescapable fines on them. “We are quite sure that members of that Amazon tribe might be performing music,” said Percy Revenant Suckerofblood, CEO of PRS, “and that means only one thing for us: fees. I love the smell of fees in the morning and afternoon and night day after day for the rest of time.”

We were able to contact the Amazon tribe and ask for comment. “I must sustain my life by eating and seeking shelter, otherwise I will die,” said one. “If we do not make the necessary sacrifices, we will be punished by Kalmus, lord of all that is unholy in the universe, and his demonic acolyte, Schirmer. We follow the one true way, the life, the path, laid out for us by the supreme lord in heaven, Uncle Bärenreiter.”

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