Forget Concert Halls- This Orchestra To Perform In Exciting Sewer!

John Man, CEO of the popular orchestral group The Flailing Noise Makers, has come up with a brilliant way of making his orchestra seem exciting, relevant, and different.

“I knew I had to change things up,” he explained, “so I picked up my wind machine and YouTuber lights and took my orchestra into the local sewer. That’s where concerts should happen, I said!”

Man says that he came up with this idea himself, after seeing every other orchestra he knows also trying to perform in places that aren’t concert halls. “There are so many of those places,” he said breezily. “Everywhere I go I can’t help bumping into places and saying, wow, this isn’t a concert hall, why don’t I put an orchestra in it? Look at that, is that a volcanic geyser? I can smell one of my ideas coming along!”

Though Man was happy to admit that concert halls had certain advantages, like backstage facilities for performers, acoustics, and chairs, nevertheless it was tired and old and frankly uninspiring. “Just recently I was scheduled to have triple bypass operation,” he said, “but I took one step into cold, clinical, clean operating room and thought this just won’t do. Why can’t this highly specific task that requires a great deal of on site equipment and advanced technology be done somewhere else, like say for example the Tesco at Westminster station? Who even needs to extend just one arm halfway in attempt to get the last sandwich? If you want that Tesco meal deal (and let’s face it, who doesn’t now) you really have to put in some of that elbow grease, especially if you picked up some of that from the political debate you attended at the G27 summit they held in the dumpsters behind Kung Pow Chicken in Hull. I think we can all agree on that.”

We spoke to Timmy Flim-Flam, the corporate consultant hired to give CEO’s some New Ideas. “I think classical music has reached a point where we really have to ask ourselves where we are,” he said, “and by that I mean geographically where are we? Are we here or there? I don’t think this question is neither here nor there. I think it’s both. And that’s the sort of stuff that earns me the big bucks.”

Sally McNally, CEO of Opera In The Woods On A Raft, says she sees this as the best way for classical music to Move Forward. “Playing in unusual venues is a great way for players and audiences to rediscover their inner child or reconnect with the joy of music or something like that,” she explained. “I’ve seen the 90’s films, the ones where people swap bodies with their children or suffer curses due to working at the law firm too long. I know how magic works.”

Jaded Scratcher, a violinist who has played with the orchestra for many years, had an opinion about the concert but we absolutely didn’t listen to her. What would she know?