Dorothy Schnuppleberry regularly attends concerts of classical music and enjoys them immensely. She likes to be prepared for the rigours of sitting down and listening to other people perform for her entertainment, and she won’t leave the house without all the necessary equipment.
“I always make sure to pack some tightly wrapped cough drops with me,” she said, “along with my recyclable plastic water bottle and my least noticeable foghorn. I wouldn’t want to disturb the music by making a rude noise, would I?”
Schnuppleberry says she has perfected a way to free the cough drop from it’s crinkly plastic wrapping in the slowest way possible. “At first I did it extremely quickly, but then I realised nobody could tell how unobtrusive I was being. Now I take about five minutes to open each one so that if anyone hears me they know I am taking great care not to make any unnecessary noise. I am a great person.”
John Man, another avid concert-goer, has developed an excellent way of enjoying the music more profoundly and deeply than the slow-witted muggles around him. “When the music gets quiet and intense,” he said, “I make sure to rifle through every single page of my program notes so I can understand how dramatic and powerful the music is. When I finish, I clumsily shove it back into my suitcase or duffel bag, whichever is closest. I am a great person.”
Edward Crumplebumple runs a famous concert hall in the UK and says he is fine with any audience no matter how they behave. “I am not elitist!” he said. “I like young people and Twitter and Snapchat! I’m still relevant!”
Schnuppleberry says that she just wants to help out, as if she is somehow involved. “We are all performers in spirit. Those on stage are doing their best to make great music, and I am contributing in my own special way. I am a great person.”