Do you have perfect pitch? If you do, well done!
A lot of people can’t accept how good you are because of your perfect pitch. They might not like it if you tell them you have perfect pitch- they might think you are being smug, rude, or pretentious, even though you are definitely not being rude.
Here are some handy tips for you to be able to reveal that you have perfect pitch in a way that people will be able to accept:
1) Say that perfect pitch is not important: this is a great way of implying that it is important, and that you have it.
2) Nod sympathetically at the muggle-brained chumps who don’t have it. Even prisoners get let out into the yard sometimes.
3) Practise your surprised and bewildered face, the one that says “I have no ability to empathise with your fundamental human weaknesses.” This way, when some cloth-eared twonk can’t recognise a random note played on a piano at a social occasion, such as a dinner party, barbecue, or funeral, you will be ready.
4) If someone is trying to tune their instrument, sing the notes at them as loudly as possible. This will show that you have friends, and that those friends are the twelve pitches of the equal-tempered scale.
5) Be humble when people ask why it’s called perfect pitch, but don’t avoid the truth. Say something like, “it’s not really perfect, of course, but I can see why they call it that.”
6) Complain about “baroque pitch” and how much of a struggle it is for you to adjust everything down a semitone because being talented is more important than having a skill that required some effort.
7) If you are studying music at an institution, your aural classes are a great opportunity to subtly reveal that you have perfect pitch. The best way to do this is to achieve poor scores on your aural tests and tell everyone it’s because the questions themselves were in the wrong key.
8) Complain about old recordings, because they are also in the wrong key. You know this.
9) When visiting friends and family, make a special effort to name the exact pitches of various natural sounds, such as the boiling of a kettle, the clink of a wine glass, or the hurried footsteps of people walking away from you.
10) Complain about pianos. By definition, a piano can not be correct, at least not compared to you. They don’t call them “perfect pianos” do they?
11) Sing all the time. This will help you assume that singers always sing the correct pitches the way you do, and this will help you judge them whenever you hear them practising. Remember, singers have no other job apart from producing pitch.
12) If all else fails, talk about your perfect pitch as if it is a curse, especially when talking to the sort of bleary-eyed note-moaners who don’t have it. Say something like, “I’m so jealous that you can experience music without knowing what’s going on.”
Speaking of singers producing pitch: Choral Singer Just Loves Being A Choral Singer