John Man, CEO of a revered arts organisation eerily similar to the BBC, has had to make the difficult decision to cut off the company’s nose as part of a bold new plan to reset, innovate, and do other such corporate verbs. Understandably, the company’s face is appalled.
“ヽ(ಠ ಠ)ノ” it said.
Though Man carefully crafted a press release in order to clearly articulate the rational and logical reasons behind his decision, many were left perplexed by the gibberish he said instead.
“I made this decision,” Man explained, “and I made it with great courage, as part of my next-generation-centred focus on this generation today. I had to ask myself, are some decisions difficult? Yes. Will it require great effort, commitment, resilience, and adaptability, like a sphincter? Yes. But I looked at the thing I wanted to do and I had to ask myself, do I have a position of power that will allow me to make this decision, and does anyone have the ability to stop me? And the answer came to me, from myself, and that answer was no, and then yes. And as we know, isn’t it important to be a disruptor, and innovate new paradigms of sustainable financial models, doesn’t it?”
We spoke to Sally McNally, who Man had just reclassified from employee to potential employee as part of his sweeping reforms. “I didn’t want to be fired of course, but I’ve told that I haven’t been fired, I have just been warmed up for future projects. I love future projects! I live for them.”
We caught up with Man while he was going to the bank to decide which type of savings account would be best to store his salary and bonuses in, especially in the current cost of living crisis. “It’s about investing in a wider pool, you see.”
“The most important thing for an arts company is agility, flexibility, and creativity,” explained, “and there is no better example of something agile, flexible, and creative, than my favourite muscle in the human body, the sphincter. It has to be agile and flexible all the time, and it has to create something every day. That’s certainly how I like to create. In fact, when I am in doubt about what I should do or say, I think of the sphincter, and I hope to emulate its wonders. You could say I use it to leave an Impact wherever I go. People can really see when I’ve been somewhere.”
Other staff at the Revered Arts Organisation who presumably sit behind desks attending to tasks were able to explain a little bit more of the rationale behind man’s Decision. “It’s not important what we have now, it’s important what we want to develop,” they said. “Just think of all the disappointment and sadness we are developing right here and right now! In a way it’s really beyond our imagination.”
Man had one final thing to say to us as he leapt into his Porsche. “It’s all about serving people in future, and to do that we need to stop serving them now. There’s only so much serving to go around. And you know, I am very familiar with serving. I have several people doing that for me all the time. Are they technically people? Of course. But I prefer to think of them as a helpful type of muscle, attending to my needs throughout the house. In way, they are a lot like my old friend the sphincter: regularly creating wonder after wonder, flexibly, creatively, and adaptably, as if by magic, without complaining or asking for anything at all. I think that’s something we can all aspire to, especially everyone else.”