I Was Too Drunk To Be Guilty Because She Was Too Drunk To Be Innocent

John Man, young whippersnapper and (technically) a human being, was recently embroiled in a complex case in which he did something terrible to a woman and fully expected to get away with it.

“Well, sure I did a terrible thing,” said Man, “but that’s because I was drunk. How can you be responsible for your actions if you are drunk? And anyway, she was so drunk that it was actually her fault. What type of woman gets that drunk, anyway?”

Man explained that because he just acted whereas she chose to do actions, this was just another comforting and reassuringly familiar story of an innocent man struggling against powerful antagonistic forces. “Just imagine what it would be like if people believed her,” Man exclaimed. “All I did was take advantage of her, but now she’s trying to take all my advantages from me. I can’t even imagine being vulnerable.”

Even though he didn’t have to say any more, he sure did! As did many of his friends, family members, and politically aligned youtube personalities. “Our audience just loves stories of people doing something wrong and getting what they deserve,” they explained. “And by people, we mean women.”

Man was confused as to why his comments were generating such outrage. “I don’t understand all this woke stuff about words being violence,” he said. “I spent my entire time at school beating up anyone who called me gay. Now that’s violence.”

Man also explained that he was waiting for all of this to blow over so that he can go back to his normal life, which is an option he has. “I expect that it won’t be long before this story can applied to another almost identical case so that people will forget all about me,” he said. “In that sense, I am the real victim here.”