John Man, fist-pumper and fulminator, recently read a book about piano technique and found that he was an expert on the subject straight away.
“People say that there is a great and complex art to playing the piano,” he said, “but I was able to read this book in a single afternoon. I was like- wow, I know so much right now.”
Man was thankful that the next day he met an actual pianist at a party, which gave him a great opportunity to explain everything he knew in clear, helpful detail. “It’s just a scientific fact that if you go up to a piano and press a key, it will make a sound,” he said, fondling his umbrella. “You can even do it with an umbrella, and it will still make a sound. I tried to explain this to my new pianist friend, but he wasn’t ready to understand.”
Armed with his knowledge, Man now goes to piano recitals and loudly corrects any audience member who tries to compliment the pianist’s legato line or beautiful melodic phrasing. “Well, again, it’s just science,” he said, nodding out of time. “Before I read the book, I too thought I could hear great pianists using their highly refined skills to create beautifully phrased melodic lines, but now I know that pianos are made of hammers, and I know that melodies aren’t actually possible. I spend a lot of time telling people this, but they aren’t ready to understand.”
Man is keen to debunk the myths and fallacies that have perpetuated within the piano community for hundreds of years, starting with the idea that different pianists playing the same instrument will somehow sound different. “That one’s a real doozy,” he said, hitting a table with his face. “Even I used to think this, back when I used to listen to concerts with my ears. Now I just listen to the stuff that’s already inside my mind. I mean, it’s really fantastic in there.”
Bob Guy, a professional pianist, was also at the party and expressed unqualified delight that he was able to hear Man explain his knowledgable new theories. “I’ve just never thought about making music the way he has,” he said. “Like, not once in my entire life.”
Man says he is committed to plumbing the deep mysteries of musical artistry, and he is confident that he alone will be equipped to bring back the ultimate boon of pure knowledge to kindly bestow on the rest of his musical brethren. “I don’t even need to learn the piano to do this,” he said, scratching a sack, “though I have had one lesson. And that’s way better than having no lessons. I tried to explain this to my pianist friends, but they weren’t ready to understand.”