In news that will likely shock the international piano community, the legendary Russian pianist Grigory Sokolov is reportedly in the middle of a deep personal crisis regarding his Unique Selling Point, otherwise known as a USP, which is an abbreviation of Unique Selling Point.
“He is very upset about it,” said a CPS, or Close Personal Friend. “I went over to his house the other day and he was all like ‘what am I going to do about my USP’ and ‘what even is a USP’ and ‘is it it like a visa- I hate visas’ and so on. Very sad.”
Sokolov recently became fixated on the issue after hearing about a Research In Marketing class that one of his students attended at the local university. “He started telling me about his RIM,” said Sokolov, “and when he mentioned the USP I thought, WTF, I don’t have one of those! I suppose that’s the moment it all started: when my darkest fears undermined my confidence.”
Since this DFUC moment, Sokolov, or Sokky as he is known to some, has been unable to come up with an adequate USP to describe his art. “What could mine be? I just…really love music? I play at the most unassailably prodigious levels of musical and technical virtuosity known to man? I look a bit like a bear? After a while you just have to say to yourself: Sokky, that’s not going to cut it. You need help.”
To deal with this crisis, Sokky is reportedly going to attend his student’s RIM with his CPS in order to develop a good USP, together. “IMO, sometimes you reach the point where you are just like, FFS,” he told reporters. “What more do I need!? OMG.”
Disclaimer: the real Grigory Sokolov has not actually said any of these things and is not having a crisis about his USP. FYI.