Man Rejects Female Composers After Listening To CD For A Bit

John Man, newly elected Vice-President of the esteemed Guild Of Hacks, recently courted a great deal of controversy with his views on The Woman Composer. After hearing about some woman who liked that sort of thing, he thought it was about time he applied his extensive musical knowledge and rigorous scholastic principles to shine some much needed light on this complicated issue.

“I put some CDs on and I was like, na,” he said. “Just, meh. With male composers I’m usually like woah but with this I was like pfft.”

Man says he can easily tell when a piece of music has been written by a woman. “It’s the boobs,” he said. “I compare the composer’s boobs to my own, and if their boobs are even a little bit bigger than my boobs I know the piece was composed by a woman.”

After publishing an article explaining his views, Man generated a great deal of outrage from readers who were expecting some sort of argument or at least a well-informed thought, but ended up reading his article instead. Sally McNally, like most women, was busy mothering a gaggle of infants when she read it. “Half-way through I realised that I wasn’t really understanding Man’s words, because I couldn’t tell them apart from the teletubbie-like gibberish my children speak as they blissfully defecate,” she said.

Although ‘writing’ is not one of Man’s more evident skills, he says he has thoroughly enjoyed the process of expressing his undeveloped assumptions and hopes to do it again soon. “I am now working on two very important books: How To Be A Good Composer Even Without Syphilis, and one I hope to finish this afternoon after lunch, Why Are Asians Playing Music? My Verdict.”

Though critics have accused Man of being insensitive to the plight of women both now and in centuries past, he is confident that even if such a thing were true it wouldn’t matter. “Yes, I’m often asked what I think of the oppression and suffering inflicted on women by centuries of entrenched patriarchy,” he said. “But when I hear about ‘the patriarchy’ I’m just like, pfft…”

8 thoughts on “Man Rejects Female Composers After Listening To CD For A Bit

  • September 21, 2015 at 11:34 am

    I wonder what his views are on women violinists? Can he tell from listening to a cd if it’s a woman playing? If so, how? I doubt the chest measurements can be intuited from just listening. Or can they? Please illuminate.

      • September 23, 2015 at 11:10 am

        I saw that match live on television. You could not possibly have any idea what Billie Jean King’s win meant to women at that time. It’s a very different world, now – not different enough yet, but different. Thanks for this link. I had forgotten the humiliation women felt when they tried to be good at anything outside the home. I’m going to go back and read it again and watch out for the documentary. Thanks again.

        • October 2, 2015 at 11:29 pm

          You know, I’ve been thinking about that match some more and I remember many men telling me before they played that any mediocre male tennis player could beat the best female player. They really believed it. A lot of men got a large shock from the outcome of that match. I still feel emotional about it. Strange, because I was not a bra-waving feminist. I will share this – when I was a little girl I announced to my father that I wanted to be a lawyer when I grew up. He then brought home a lawyer to tell me that women couldn’t be lawyers and even if I were the best in the world he would not hire me because I was a woman. That’s the kind of world I grew up in so you can see how important that tennis match was to all women of my age.

  • September 21, 2015 at 2:21 pm

    I think this is one of your best works lately – hilarious!

    • September 21, 2015 at 2:21 pm


  • November 5, 2015 at 4:52 am

    ThIs is profoundly hilarious! Thank you!

    • November 5, 2015 at 8:13 am

      Thanks! Glad you liked it

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