John Man, newly elected Vice-President of the esteemed Guild Of Hacks, recently courted a great deal of controversy with his views on The Woman Composer. After hearing about some woman who liked that sort of thing, he thought it was about time he applied his extensive musical knowledge and rigorous scholastic principles to shine some much needed light on this complicated issue.
“I put some CDs on and I was like, na,” he said. “Just, meh. With male composers I’m usually like woah but with this I was like pfft.”
Man says he can easily tell when a piece of music has been written by a woman. “It’s the boobs,” he said. “I compare the composer’s boobs to my own, and if their boobs are even a little bit bigger than my boobs I know the piece was composed by a woman.”
After publishing an article explaining his views, Man generated a great deal of outrage from readers who were expecting some sort of argument or at least a well-informed thought, but ended up reading his article instead. Sally McNally, like most women, was busy mothering a gaggle of infants when she read it. “Half-way through I realised that I wasn’t really understanding Man’s words, because I couldn’t tell them apart from the teletubbie-like gibberish my children speak as they blissfully defecate,” she said.
Although ‘writing’ is not one of Man’s more evident skills, he says he has thoroughly enjoyed the process of expressing his undeveloped assumptions and hopes to do it again soon. “I am now working on two very important books: How To Be A Good Composer Even Without Syphilis, and one I hope to finish this afternoon after lunch, Why Are Asians Playing Music? My Verdict.”
Though critics have accused Man of being insensitive to the plight of women both now and in centuries past, he is confident that even if such a thing were true it wouldn’t matter. “Yes, I’m often asked what I think of the oppression and suffering inflicted on women by centuries of entrenched patriarchy,” he said. “But when I hear about ‘the patriarchy’ I’m just like, pfft…”